Fridge Magnates

As any owner of an urban cat will tell you, those cats get BORED. They have toys, they disdain them. You try to play with them and they yawn in the most discouraging fashion. That’s why I was so impressed by Charlene’s Cat’s Meow, you know, that awesome cat toy you’ve seen advertised on tv and often wondered about. Could it be the answer to chronic urban cat boredom?

I popped over to Charlene’s in the middle of the summer heat wave, record setting number of days with hotness and no precipitation. It was the perfect temperature for staring into the fridge, opening the door and sitting in there, or perhaps using it as a storage compartment for your unmentionables.

Once again, I failed to find the jumbo carrots and long English cucumbers that set my heart aflame when I look into a person’s fridge. Sigh….. I feel that sometimes people do not consider my needs at all when they are stocking up in preparation for our visit. I did however find quite a fascinating number of condiments and some delicious- looking chocolatey items.

Charlene is a fairly recent addition to the good-natured grunt Board of Directors. It’s been about a year since Glenn popped the question and asked her to join up. She is a multi-talented artist, whose work includes painting, sculpture and performance art. She was working on finishing up her MFA at SFU when I visited but still managed to find time do the cooking around her place. I so admire people who cook, and I suppose it does explain their need to stock the fridge with something other than entirely phallic vegetables as I am prone to do.[some food pic here]
I did not manage to pry too many juicy, gossipy details out of Charlene, despite revealing endless fascinating tidbits about myself.

She admitted to a fondness for Cheezies, but not to any lurid scandals or anything. I was so overheated that day, I forgot to ask if she preferred the Styrofoam-y type, or the hard crunchers. (Personally, I like the Styrofoam-y ones, if anyone cares at all…….or wishes to get me a little snack or anything.)

Mostly, we chatted about the Cat’s Meow, and the general happiness of her cats. Charlene was as patient and pleasant as all the grunt directors have proven to be, and not at all shy about sharing her fridge secrets. My visit with her resulted in the purchase of a Cat’s Meow for my cat, who loves it so much, she sleeps on top of it every day!

Refreshment Rating for this visit: **** What could be better than an icy cold glass of water on a boiling hot day? Well, a small cookie or two might liven things up, but I am never one to complain.

I like fresh air in an appliance as much as the next person. I really do. Generally, I maintain the spring-like freshness of my refrigerator with the same thing most people use, a timeless box of baking soda. Timeless of course meaning that I’ve had the current one in there for about 5 years.

I’m kind of attached to it.

What I mean to say is that the lovely and charming Andrew Siu has taken refrigerator hygiene to a whole new level. He not only has the obligatory baking soda box, but he accelerates the effect with a couple of those sexy charcoal filter things. I was impressed! 

Of course, I was a little fainty and subject to being impressed anyway, by the time I got to Andrew’s place. It is the absolute farthest I have ever traveled to peer into a fridge. Burnaby!!!!On the sky train!!!! Gadzooks, I say, and egad!

I liked Andrew a lot, although his idea of refreshments was actually nothing at all. Nothing, not a noodle. Of course, I sometimes forget to warn people about the refreshment rating portion of my visit, just to see if they come up with anything. Andrew failed this little test of mine, however he made up for it by being extremely nice and cute. I like that, too. 



Andrew is new to the grunt Board of Directors. It sounded to me like he was lured there by that notorious bum painter, David Khang. (David, for all his wacky ways with a paintbrush, actually gave me a beer when I looked in his fridge. Top marks!).

It turns out that Andrew had actually travelled a lot farther than I to get to Burnaby. He emanated from Calgary, where he had a very respectable job as an accountant. He gave up all that nonsense, and came to Vancouver and went to Emily Carr, where he studied industrial design, or something. A recent show included novel designs for birdhouses, that were quite sweet.

By this time however, I was so faint from the trip, and lack of refreshments, I was not really listening at all. Instead I was covertly searching for any signs of booze, or illicit prescription drugs. I just could not understand how Andrew was maintaining his joyous bon vivancy without them.

Refreshment rating for this visit: Big fat zero! Sorry Andrew, but the dearth of sustenance, and complete lack of a fainting couch, can only add up to one thing. Or in this case, nothing at all, no matter how adorable I may have found you.

 

 

 

See all the pictures of Mark’s fridge here

One of the things I liked about Mark Tweedy was his respect for the refreshment rating part of my visit: he took it seriously! He prepared some very tasty snacks and served them up with a bit of San Pellegrino…..unlike some grunt directors I could mention…..you know who you are…

What he made these snacks from was kind of a mystery to me, after I looked in his fridge. It was so spectacularly empty in there it made me wonder if being a big old, fancy-pants lawyer/mediator really pays all that well. 

Mark’s place was pretty swank, and he had lots of guitars and everything, but he had a bowl of guitar picks right where most people might place a few pistachios or other salty nibbles. I tried a couple but found them a bit dry: quite unpalatable really.

His fridge was definitely a little short on the old food stuffs. As you know, I like to see a bit of cake in there, questionable leftovers, booze - that type of thing. OK, I understand that sometimes the booze runs out, or maybe you don’t drink it and so don’t have any because you never think of anyone but your own self….. STILL, it’s unusual to see a fridge with so little actual evidence of human life.

He did have some pickles, I suppose that’s not nothing.

The odd thing about meeting Mark Tweedy was that  he looked so familiar to me that I had to wonder if we’d gotten together in the 80’s or something. You never know – people were a lot more relaxed back then.

I racked my brain while we chitchatted about Keith Richards (Mark loves him so much they should just get married), the Rolling Stones, music and grunt gallery. But no, I was almost one hundred percent certain – oops, I mean, I was one hundred per cent CERTAIN that I did not know him in the biblical fashion…..

ANYway, Mark’s been on the Board for 2 years, and despite the fact that he considers himself the least arty of the directors, he’s planning to run again. I just don’t know where he finds the time really, what with being a full time lawyer/mediator, jamming with his informal band and cooking up large vats of his fave food, BEEF. ‘Makes a person tired just thinking about it.

By this time, I was feeling quite tired from mentally reliving the 80’s. What an exhausting decade that was. Mark’s face wasn’t popping up anywhere on my brain’s Rolodex of close encounters…. So, I am quite positive that he just has one of those oddly familiar faces. Some people have them you know. Personally, I am always being mistaken for someone who knows how to give people directions to places. Places they used to frequent in the 80’s, if you know what I mean……

REFRESHMENT RATING FOR THIS VISIT ********** Ten stars, that’s right, you heard it. That’s what you get when you pay a little attention to things!

 

See all the images of Fraser’s fridge here

I got quite a fright on the way over to Fraser McKenzie’s house. The paint-ball store right around the corner from his place seems to think it is perfectly normal to have frightening display items out on the sidewalk! I almost had an accident in my pants when I saw this guy.

 

I was quite relieved to get to the relative calm of Fraser’s place……. except that as soon as I got in the door, Tillie, the elderly Border Collie, barfed on the rug! Apparently this is something she never does! Humph! I guess it may be some kind of doggy behavior reserved for extra special visitors.

Fraser offered me some coffee, but my nerves were a little frayed. I opted instead for looking around for booze in the fridge (nada!) and forcing Fraser to reveal intimate details about his personal life. I must say: he was quite forthcoming and open. I now know a few things about him that should probably never be put in print…..

Among the things about Fraser that can be printed are these: he’s been on grunt’s Board of Directors for about 2 years now, he also volunteers at the Gallery Gachet and is a musician, mixed media artist, bit of a Renaissance Man, and just generally a nice guy.  He does not, however, appear to have a clue as to how to store his ptomaine paste! I just don’t think this is quite right somehow……

All in all, Fraser’s fridge didn’t look any better – or worse than anyone else’s fridge. ‘Could have used a bit of a clean, but really, I’m not the person to point that out. Let she who has a clean fridge cast the first immaculate ice cube, or whatever….. My fridge is just so terribly turgid right now I don’t even like the fact that there is a light in there!  If you saw it you’d probably have to roll around on the floor vomiting, not unlike Tillie, now I think of it.

One of Tillie’s main claims to fame, (besides her apparent ability to throw up at will), is that she once exploded a dead beaver. Yup, the dead beaver was lying around looking like an old log or something, and Tillie ran up and poked a hole in it with her nose. This caused such an explosion of stinky guts that Fraser had to take her home immediately, much to the detriment of his car upholstery.

Now, if there ever was a time for me to re-iterate my warnings about country activities, this may be it. I thought I could still smell a few remnants of dead beaver on that dog, and this incident happened several years ago!!

Despite the lack of booze, cake, or stinky cheeses, I enjoyed poking around in Fraser’s fridge. I also liked Tillie a lot, even though there seemed to be some kind of comment from her about my visit.

 

REFRESHMENT RATING FOR THIS VISIT: * There was an offer of coffee, but as I mentioned, my nerves were a little frazzled….. there was not an offer of anything edible, nothing, not even a frozen grape or a sausage!….. Although, after Tillie puked on the carpet, my appetite was a little dainty….

Click here to see all the images from David’s fridge

I took a little look around David Khang’s website after visiting his fridge. Personally, I’m rarely in the mood to pop a paintbrush up my bum and do a big old butt painting with it, or get naked, paint myself blue, and then get dragged around a gallery by a horse. But I suppose other people have moods that are a little different from my own.

I liked his work with teeth, having recently lost one of my own.  I was fairly certain old David would be able to grow a new one for me, if he’d just put his mind to it. He could probably do it with a bit of sharkskin or something, according to his website. I mean, it doesn’t have to be perfect or anything. Failing that, I had some urgent questions… about the implants….dental that is.

David’s place was a short jaunt from my own, in an obscure area close to the sky train station. Such a relief really, after my last fridge which was a 3 hour drive out of town in an area renowned for hiking and white water rafting!!

Of course, I did get mistaken for a working girl on the walk over, something that doesn’t happen too often out in the hinterlands……Silly me, I thought the strange man was telling me he was into M&M’s….I like a good M&M myself, particularly the almond ones. It wasn’t until he took out his wallet that I realized we were having a classic failure to communicate.

I arrived at the Khang residence with my virtue intact, and my wallet just as empty as when I had left home. I found David coolly relaxalating with his new cat, Sahara.  

Now I like cats a lot, and recently acquired a second hand model from a local rescue organization, exactly the same place David got his cat. I felt we were bonding even before the offer of a beer.

We had a beer and talked cat and were getting along swimmingly well until the refreshment portion of my visit. Refreshments at the Khang household consist of almost nothing really. Well, there was one frozen grape, plucked directly from the freezer bin. I imagine this is how David maintains his svelte figure, so essential really for public nudity, or art, or whatever we’re calling it.  

The Khangster did have a tendency to want to move things that I was trying to photograph in his fridge. Is that an artist thing? Or is it more dental in origin? I had no idea, I was too busy trying to snap shots of the rapidly moving food items. Now you see it…….now it’s over here…. Zip, zip, zippity zip! It made me wonder how he found the time to do any bum painting at all!

He didn’t seem to feel that the grapes were arranged artistically enough, for example, or his comfort foods. The beer was not a problem as I was efficiently working my way through them. I left him some gin, as it’s never been a favourite of mine.

REFRESHMENT RATING FOR THIS VISIT: ****** Six stars, delicious beer, and I mean the grape was good and everything, but, well, I think you can see where I’m going with this one.

 

Click hear to see all the images of the Country Fridge

I never know what people are actually doing out in the country. I mean, really, what is there to do?

Out in the Fraser Valley, all the activities seem to be quite upsetting. People go out there to do things that seem designed to spill your drink and make smoking impossible! Hiking! White water rafting! More hiking! Aren’t you going out there to RELAX?

I had hoped for those old timey country activities: whittlin’, for example, or drinkin’ corn liquor out on the stoop – possibly taking the time to neck with your cousin.

I recently ventured out of my natural urban habitat in an attempt to find a nice BIG fridge, preferably well stocked with some excellent vittles. My friends, Carel Moiseiwitsch and Gordon Murray just bought a house out in them thar hills, and I’ve been talking like this ever since I got back from my visit. Shuckens ma! Ain’t no harm in it!

Carel and Gordon are artists and political activist types and have nothing to do with grunt gallery Board of Directors, at all. Nothing, what so ever, not a pickle, never have, probably never will. They do, however, have a nice big fridge. 

In the absence of what I think of as traditional country activities, I was forced to take to a lawn chair in the yard with a hefty glass of rheumatiz medicine. Delicious food and booze materialized out of nowhere while I lounged. The air was fresh, the sun was shining; balmy breezes blew up the Fraser Canyon. Bliss.

On the second day of my visit, I remembered that I was, in fact, supposed to be doing something other than yelling “CAR!” every time a car went down the road. Actually, I grew a tad weary of this game once I realized that I only had the opportunity to yell about once every 24 hours…. I tried waving at the trains for a while, but it wasn’t a noisy enough activity for me.

 

I seriously considered lending a hand with the ongoing renovations and home improvements that seem to play a large part in country living. Unfortunately, the rheumatiz medicine did not work quite as I had anticipated. It tended to have a very relaxing, snoozy effect.  I was forced to spend a large portion of my visit taking little naps, followed by lurching around the front yard to revive myself.

What with one thing and another, my time in the hinterlands soon slipped by. I am planning another little Lytton expedition sometime in July. I’m just not sure when to tell Carel and Gordon about it……. ‘probably best to make it a surprise visit: that’s always good.

 

REFRESHMENT RATING FOR THIS VISIT: ********** Ten stars: I’d give the same to anyone who fed me great food for two days…. ‘think about it.

Click here for all photos of grunt’s fridge

Let’s just get one thing clear, right off the bat, I am not the type of person who would EVER make a cheap, sleazy or hilariously funny remark about penis size. It’s just not my style. However, at the risk of referencing the phallic I must say that grunt’s new fridge is not so big.

I mean, it is really not very big. It’s quite small, so small in fact, that it seems like it would be a very unsatisfying fridge to own. Puny is the word that springs to mind. Puny little pudster, honestly, that’s what I thought. And the stove is no better……miniature!

In its defense, grunt’s new fridge does go deep. I was impressed by the number of six packs and bottles of wine that were crammed into the thing. Not to mention some very dubious looking leftovers.

I popped over to grunt a couple of weeks ago to have a chat with the staff (very BUSY!) and look over the new renovations (hmmm, that new ceiling’s a dust collector if I ever saw one. Media lab my eyeball! Looks more like a dust sanctuary to me!)

After I had managed to interrupt two or three  important long distance phone calls, and butt into a couple of so called meetings, I finally got a few words in edgewise with Demian Petryshyn (Program and Communication Co-ordinator),and Meagan Kus (Operations Director).

“Favourite food?” I hollered after Demian who was in the process of setting up some furniture in the newly renovated office upstairs. “Butter Chicken.” He muttered from underneath a glass tabletop. I felt he was giving me an odd look, a bit of the old stink eye really, when I asked about his favourite condiment, so I quickly changed tactics and proceeded to bother Meagan. That’s the thing these days, you’ve got to stay flexible.

Meagan was busy working at her computer and miles away and deep in thought and all the rest of it, but I can’t let shit like that bother me.  I decided that the best way to get the information I wanted was probably to start yelling. “FAVOURITE FOOD?” I yelled so loudly that Meagan went a bit pink before admitting to a love of vanilla cupcakes.

The thing is, Meagan and Demian, like all the other grunters, are completely adorable, and I KNOW I shouldn’t be bothering them at work and making them squat in front of that tiddly little fridge so I can take their picture, but what am I gonna do?! I’ve got needs, you know.

At any rate, I’d love to rattle on about grunt, and their new media lab, and Demian and Meagan and everything, but I’m out of time. Let us just pray together that my next fridge is much larger and more satisfying.

 

REFRESHMENT RATING FOR THIS VISIT:         Do ya see ANY stars there, well no ya don’t! I do not believe that eating a muffin I bought for myself on the way over constitutes ANY kind of refreshment at all! They’ve got a fridge, and miniscule as it may be, it is FILLED with beer! What is the matter with people?!

Click here for more pics of Sonny’s Fridge

The thing is, when people – and by people I mean grunt directors – are endlessly kind, pleasant and adorable, AND when they willingly open their homes and their fridges to me, where’s the humor in it? How is that funny? They’d better have something pretty crazy in their fridge (compost, for example) or I’m a bit stumped, really.

Luckily, Sonny did not disappoint. His fridge exterior was pretty entertaining for starters. He’s got a sticker on there declaring that he HEARTS his penis. Well, well, well, who knew? I would never have imagined that a man could feel that way…..

I popped in at Sonny’s on a rainy Monday afternoon, and found him enjoying a healthy looking salad. He offered me a bite when I reminded him about the refreshment rating for these visits, but I daintily declined. I tend to enjoy more fattening and boozy snacks and quite honestly, that is what I expect bachelors to have on hand.

The thing is: Sonny is engaged. He’s going to get married next year and run far, far away from Stumptown and go be a glamorous painter and mixed media artist in Montreal. He’s been on the Board at grunt for over 3 years, so perhaps he’s grown weary of us all…..or maybe he just feels like HEARTING his parts in a less expensive province. 

 Naturally, I assumed he’d have a bachelor fridge. I thought his fridge would be all stinky and piggy and he’d be gleefully thinking HA! I won’t be able to live like THIS once I’m married!! Then I had visions of him deliberately spilling ketchup in there and never cleaning it up, or leaving disgusting science experiments in the crispers. I thought he might have a bunch of beer or an old mouldy hash brownie or something.

His fridge was immaculate!  He had a couple of tasteful bottles of Sake, healthy greens, fresh looking vegetables. A bit disappointing, if you want to know the truth. I mean what are penis-hearting men coming to?!

His favourite food is sushi and he loves to cook. I swear it’s getting so I can’t even tell who’s heterosexual anymore….. 

Things got a bit more exciting when I opened Sonny’s freezer because that’s where he keeps his eulachon!

Big smoky smelly bags of fish! It’s also where he keeps his stash of elk meat. He had so much of it I suspect he may be an elk-aholic, ha! He may have to go to Elk A meetings and confess or something…He may be exhibiting some of the symptoms of elk-aholism. Okay, okay, I’ll stop….. hmmm, yeah, I think I’m done…

 Eulachon sniffing aside, I had a lovely visit with Sonny. I actually thought he was quite a catch…..get it? Eulachon, fish, catch…..? All right, now I’m really stopping with the puns……really, really.

Refreshment rating for this visit:  You cannot really call offering someone a bite of the salad you’re eating, or a sniff of a big bag of oily eulachon refreshments, now can you? 

See all the images of Kari’s Fridge Here

OK, I admit it, I’ve been a little grumpy lately. I blame it on the time of year. I find that the smallest thing can send me into complete spasms of irritability.

It is extremely annoying, for example, to reflect on how delightfully jolly Board meetings at grunt gallery must be. All the directors must sit there saying things like, “Oh don’t you look nice today. I love your outfit.” Or “Please have another cocktail, I insist!”

I envision these meetings as all, like “Shall we have a pleasant and agreeable little vote now? Everyone ready? Cheers then, here’s to our wonderful happy, happy future at grunt! Onward and upward with the arts! I love yooooou!” They probably all have pet names for each other, like Pookypants and Boo Boo…..gaaaah!

I’m pretty sure that grunt Board meetings are in another class altogether from the stupid, smelly Board meetings that I am forced to attend. I’m also sure going to them does not even require any type of self medication afterwards…..

Why, oh why, you may well be asking, do I feel this way? Simple, Einstein, the directors are ALL SO AWESOME. Really. I don’t know where they are hiding their duds, but I haven’t met one yet.

Take Kari Gunderson for example, yet another in the long line of charmers. Me, I tend to be partial to anyone who lets me come over and look around in the fridge, but when they feed me treats and wine as well! Something about the magical appearance of a little, dainty treat in a warm, puff pastry, beside a glass of piquant Merlot, disarms me every time.

Kari not only had the refreshments worked out to perfection, she was very open and friendly and great to talk to. But they’ve ALL been like that! This is good, because I’ll admit, I am a little CRANKY! And you can just quit bugging me about it, OK?!

Kari, however, is not the slightest bit cranky. She confesses to being the happiest she’s ever been in her life! Now, lately I’m in such a mood that this kind of talk just pisses me off. When Kari said it however, I just felt a warm kind of a glow that may or may not have been connected to the Merlot.

Kari has a history in set design and finds these skills useful when she is organizing special events, which of course, she thoroughly enjoys doing. Loves it!

Kari is currently very happy in her relationship. She’s got a glamorous partner who plays drums in a couple of bands. She’s enjoying fund raising for grunt gallery and loves her work with Bard on the Beach. See what I mean? She lives in a very sweet apartment in the West End and even has a super-friendly, nice cat. Hmm. Isn’t that nice for her?

The thing is, Kari’s in such a joyous frame of mind, it kind of rubs off on a person. I hardly even felt like talking about the unrelenting, feral hell of my own personal life. I felt it all sliding away from me as I slid down the couch cushions and topped off my wine glass. I mean, it’s good for people to be pleasant and happy, right?

Refreshment rating for this visit: ********** Ten stars. Before I met Kari, I thought this was a five star rating system, but no, now there are ten. She gets them all. That’s just what a glass of Merlot and a warm puffy pastry will do sometimes….

See all the images of Christina’s Fridge Here

Like all of the Fridge Magnates who have been immortalized on my glorious and fertile blog-spot, Christina Adams also turned out to be a remarkably good sport. It’s not agreeable to everyone to have me come over and root through the fridge, but these grunt directors seem to thrive on it. They love it, really.

I popped over for a visit on a soggy, Saturday afternoon in January. Christina and her partner Greg were busily doing modern technological things in a calm and adept manner. Christina even adjusted the camera for me when the pictures were looking a bit dark. Of course, I assisted her by yelling , I DON’T THINK YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO TOUCH THAT !!!!

Helpful as I was, Christina managed fairly well without me. This is due to the fact that she actually is involved in digital production, creating web content and some kind of modern-day project management. Hmmmp, how was I supposed to know? I thought she was busting grunt’s camera……she is new to the Board after all.

As it turns out, not only does Christina have impressive credentials when it comes to the digital world, she’s also got a mighty fine looking spice rack.

We chatted a little about favourite foods and condiments, red wine, chocolate and mayo and I began to take a real liking to Christina. We had so much in common and both had such excellent taste.

Her fridge obviously belongs to someone who likes to cook. She had a delicious looking chocolate cheesecake,that she had made herself!!! That was when I truly began to have feelings for her and NO, that is not MY fingerprint in the middle of the cake….

There were only two, tiny, red flags for me in Christina’s food-loving fridge – small warning signs that perhaps my plan of living
happily ever after with her and Greg might not come to fruition.

The first of these was a largish bottle of Pepto Bismol©!! I didn’t think such healthy eaters as these two could possibly have a need for this stuff. Maybe it was some weird, kinky sex-thing…

Christina assured me it was not hers. It was more like Guesto Bismol, reserved for her mother. Phew! I continued my covert search for a hidden spare-bedroom – I’d prefer a walk-in closet, but I’m flexible.

Before I started packing however, there was just one more item I found slightly worrying. THEY KEEP THE COMPOST IN THE FRIDGE! Wow.

Now, I often have compost in my fridge, but it generally happens kind of accidentally. A healthy resolve to eat more broccoli can so easily turn into a smelly stew, fermenting in the crisper. Sometimes I don’t even know why they’re called crispers! Mine could be called soggers, or stewing drawers….. stinky bins….vegetable dungeons…..

Despite the fact that it looked like very nice compost, I’m sad to say it turned me off, just a little. Well, that and the fact that there didn’t appear to be a spare bedroom. Oh, and the other fact that neither Christina nor Greg had even offered me so much as a slice of cheesecake. Greg’s birthday indeed, like I care.

REFRESHMENT RATING FOR THIS VISIT:** Two stars only I’m afraid. Fond as I am of green tea, it’s not actually anything but a bit of hot water, is it? Much nicer with a few cookies, don’t you think? Or a big old chunk of cheesecake… But nooooooo….two stars, that’s all I’m saying.

A grunt gallery project